Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Yay! Epiphany!

I just realized a few things the other day.

1. Websites and blarghs are for people who have lots of time on their hands.
2. I used to be one of those people.
3. Now, apparently, I am not.

Oh, well.

There's been a lot going on, so it's not that my life is boring. I'll see how painless I can make this.

Ages ago, I saw Spider-Man 3. I'll reprint a portion of the rant to which I subjected my friend Arnold.

[BEGINNING OF RANT]

Things I loved about Spider-Man 3 (in the order in which I remembered them):

1. When Harry ambushed Peter and kicked twelve kinds of shit out of him before getting his head banged: fucking brilliant.
2. The Sandman. Loved him. The fights, first in the street and the armored car, later in the subway tunnels, fantastic.
3. The classic Spidey-villain music that played whenever Sandman was on-screen.
4. What's-his-name as Eddie Brock, what an asshole.
5. When the bell rang and Venom jumped out and screamed.
6. Gwen Stacy. But I wish she had died.
7. The way the symbiote looked. All flippy and sweet-looking.
8. The hokey bullshit scene where Peter was walking down the street, dancing for the girlies, some of whom were digging him, others were just giving him looks.
9. Willem Defoe. He stole the movie with fifteen seconds of screentime.
10. Venom was awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
11. When Harry fucked with Peter's head SO HARD in the cafe.
12. The ensuing fight at the Osborn mansion when Peter went after Harry.
13. Oh, and that sweet Russian girl. Fuck Mary Jane. I want Peter and that cute-ass cake-and-cookie-giving bitch to shack up. That'd fix MJ's little red wagon.
14. Stan Lee's cameo.
15. That whole French restaurant scene. "Ah, but of course. I am French, you know." Bruce Campbell is my own personal Jesus.
16. Aunt May. I love that old girl.
17. How Eddie Brock was legitimately evil, not just being controlled by the suit.
18. Dr. Connor kept a little bit of the symbiote.

Things I hated (also in no order beyond that in which they occured to my hazy recollection):

1. Eyeliner. Come fucking on. I KNOW PETER'S EVIL NOW. Fucking eyeliner? Fuck off.
2. Yes, yes, he's evil. So now he has bangs. Yeah. Yeah.
3. I am so fucking sick of Spider-Man stopping to pose in front of Old Glory. Yeah, yeah, I know, he's an American and proud of it, but come on. It didn't look cool in Armageddon, and it doesn't look cool in Spider-Man. Ugh.
4. Peter acting totally out of character. He would know better than to kiss Gwen Stacy. Really.
5. The absolute waste of three excellent villains on one film. Even if it is nearly three hours long, that's not enough for Harry, Sandman and Venom to each get their fair share of screentime. Venom was in the movie for about twenty minutes. This is my biggest gripe. I swear to fuck, this is the exact same thing they did to Batman before the Christian Bale re-boot. I don't want them to choke the franchise with badguys just because they can. Sandman should have been the main villain. That would have been perfect. Then introduce Venom and let him have 4 as his showcase.
6. This was supposed to go under things I liked. Peter and Harry go nuts on each other in Harry's house. Peter beats Harry down. Peter calls Harry out and makes him cry. Then Harry throws a pumpkin bomb at Peter, and Peter says, "Oh, ho, fuck you. No you di-int," and whips it back at Harry. The bomb blows up right next to Harry's head. A BOMB BLEW UP RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD. A bomb like the ones that make brick and concrete crumble. RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD. Harry is engulfed in flames. I shat myself. "Holy lamp-lighting fuck. Peter killed Harry. Holy shitfucker. This is awesome." .......nope. We see Harry again, and he's got a burn on his face. That's it. And don't give me any of that "Oh, but he had powers because of the Goblin mist stuff." Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that.
7. Peter: "Harry, help me save MJ."
Harry: "No."
Peter: "Why not?"
Harry: "You killed my father."
Peter: "Please?"
Harry: "No. Piss off."
Peter: "Fine."
Butler that we've only ever seen for the first time in this movie: "Hey, I cleaned your dad's wounds. They were from his glider. Your dad died by his own hand."
Harry: "Oh, okay, then, I'll do a face turn and go help Peter just because you, a previously unseen character, say so."
Do I need to explain this one? Harry did not need to be redeemed. He was good like he was. Sappy, crappy cop-out.
8. Do you remember when Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones made a big tower and Batman and Robin had to climb it? Well, now do you remember when Venom and Sandman... ugh. I mean, okay. I liked the web with the taxi in it. But, really: "Spider-Man, save her if you can." Writ large. Nnngh. No. Combine that with that bloody British-accented reporter whining, "Oh, the brutality." And the crowd standing there cheering them on. Argh.
9. I do not like Tobey Maguire. I have said this before. Nicholas Brendon is the only person I ever wanted to play Spider-Man. SO, if little Tobey must do the role, keep the FUCKING MASK ON, YOU ASSHOLE. Yes, yes, I know. It is hard to emote from under a mask. However, I am sick of Peter taking off his mask. He is supposed to be trying to keep his identity secret. And bullshit it always gets ripped the same way, with one eye-plate ripped off. Seriously. If it got half-smashed, he'd take it all the way off.
10. See above, but apply it to Venom. Only I liked Topher Grace. They go to all the trouble to animate Venom's face and mouth, then they pull it back so you can see Topher. It prevented Venom from ever fully becoming a character. It was always just Eddie in a black suit. Thumbs down.
11. Harry's heroic death. Impaled, no less... wait for it... by his own blades of his own glider. Ooooh. Imagery.
12. Venom's untimely death. I can't believe he just got a sploded like that.
13. Too much crying.
14. The contrived plot device of the symbiote just crashing to the Earth in a meteor fifteen feet from Peter and MJ. I'm not saying that they had to have a Secret Wars or have J. Jonah Jameson's son bring it back on a spaceship (but then why did they introduce John Jameson in the last movie...?), but they could have come up with something more plausible than fwoosh-poompf-alien.

So, I liked more things than I hated, but I hated the things I hated a lot.

[END OF RANT]

Right. What else?

I saw Transformers. I loved Transformers. That's all. No list, not point-by-point critique. I loved it, and you should, too. Then we all need to get together and write Michael Bay a big sappy apology. I'm sorry, Michael. You done good.

My birthday came and went. Katie took me to Hualien and Taroko Gorge. It was fun, and I will do my best to get the pictures captioned before I leave Taiwan.

But I make no guarantees, because I am fundamentally useless. (See previous empty promises regarding captioning of pictures from South Korea for proof of uselessness.)

Katie got me Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords for my DS. I love that game.
She also got me a Wii.

But it's in Iowa. I cry. To paraphrase Katie's brother Andy, it's like someone giving you a puppy. But the puppy is on a farm, and, no, you most certainly cannot play with it.
Just another reason to anticipate coming back to North America! Wii! Whee!

I changed my sidebar a bit and added a fun and games section. I will now briefly describe each of them to you.

Phoenix Wright Objection Maker: Good for shouting things at your friends. Only funny if you've ever played the game.

flOw: Fantastic little flash game where you take control of a little wormy thing and eat little blobbies to get bigger. More fun than it sounds.

Nanaca Crash: Bizarre game where a girl smashes a guy with a bike and sends his limp corpse sailing through the air. My personal record is over 1000m.

Fancy Pants: A super-duper little platforming game. Run around and collect squiggles. The squiggles are good, somehow.

Ayiti: The Cost of Life: A thoroughly depressing UNICEF game about trying to keep a poor family alive in Haiti. Thought-provoking. Also harder than driving nails with your forehead.

Tosuta: Combine one flying toaster that shoots rainbows outs of its mouth with a bunch of tumescent bubbles and the Katamari Damacy theme song. Spiral into madness.

Five Minutes to Kill (Yourself): Anyone who's seen Office Space (so, basically, everyone) will like this game, wherein you're given five minutes to kill yourself in a soul-devouring office environment. Hilarious.

Newsbreaker: For console owners, it was called Breakout. For Mac users, it was Brickles. Hit the bricks with the ball. Only now, news stories float down that you need to catch for points. When you're done, you can read the news. So cool!

The Last Stand: Best zombie game ever. Hold the line against hordes of the undead. Rescue others to fight alongside you. Get the sniper rifle and you're golden.

De-Animator: Former best zombie game ever. Kill loads of zombies. Bonus points for being inspired by H. P. Lovecraft.

ZWOK!: Like Worms, only with a little avatar you create. Played online against other real people. Fun. Until your crappy computer lags and boots you from the game. :P

Peacemaker: Another brutally hard, depressing game made by people with good intentions. Try to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis. Good fucking luck.

Bible Fight: Like Street Fighter, only starring Jesus, Moses, Eve and Satan. Every bit as cool as it sounds. Just go play it.

N: Sort of like Fancy Pants, only harder. Not for the faint of heart.

Samorost & Samorost 2: Absolutely beautiful point-and-click gameplay. Think Myst, only fun.

Boxhead: Tied for best zombie game ever. Little Lego-looking guys blow 14 kinds of crap out of zombie hordes. Red, fireball-throwing demons make a cameo. (Use the uzi on them. At least until you get the fully-automatic shotgun. I love this game.)

Phew.

After two years, I've handed over the reins of Rainbow Time to Jonathan. I'm working the administrative assistant beat for the summer. The difference in job pressure is incredible.

I discovered play-asia.com just last month. I really could have used this website for the last four years. Ah, well. C'est la vie.

A largish group of us went to Kenting last weekend. It was fun, bookended by frustration. Pictures may follow.

Katie showed me the most horrible animal ever in the history of the world.

I give you, the naked mole rat.
Take it. Take it far, far away from me.

Quick naked mole rat facts:
1. They live in a hive setup, with one queen and a bunch of workers, like ants or bees. They're the only mammals that do this.
2. They're "virtually cold-blooded."
3. Their large, digging teeth are outside of their mouths.
4. They cannot feel pain.
5. They eat... I'm sorry... hold on... they eat their own shit. I'm fucking serious.
6. They look like this.

I hate the naked mole rat, and so should you.

I stubbed my left big toe earlier today. It still hurts.

I'm looking forward to seeing Die More Harderer 4.0: John McClane Versus teh Internets.

*shrugs*

Oh, also. Anyone who can should go see the new Walking With Dinosaurs live show. It looks wonderful.

I have to go do work now.

Now fuck off.

Love, Adam

Oh, one last thing. This is probably the funniest picture I have ever seen in my entire life.
I laughed for, like, five straight minutes.

1 Comments:

Blogger nadinebc said...

Loved the picture of the Captian...haven't seen him in years.

10:33 pm, August 21, 2007  

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